On My Mind

On my drive home

2011-07-11T23:15:00.000-07:00

The sky, with it’s dark, looming clouds from the storm on one side and bright blue sky on the other side, was an interesting, picturesque painting. As the sun descended, the sky was full of different hues. Various shades of blue were accented by misty gray, white tips, and golden amber. The amber changed to rose as the sun set. The sun gave it’s final farewell as it lined the purple mountains with rose, amber, and yellow light. Its rays streaked up from behind the mountains, reaching up through the colors and into the radiant blue.

Good Point

2011-04-23T08:37:00.003-07:00

Parents, don't dress your girls like tramps - CNN

There really is not much more I can say about this article that is not said in the article. He's got a point. It is not the retailers that's the problem. The problem is the consumers. Retailers will only put out what we will buy. If we want to stop this kind of trend in our society, we need to make sure we are upholding our own standards in our lives. We need to teach our children those standards and values and teach them how to live amongst those who have different standards. These things would not exist in this society (and especially would not be so present) if we held to the standards we profess.

This Year So Far

2011-03-19T20:28:00.000-07:00

Mormon 8:30
And there shall also be heard of wars, rumors of wars, and earthquakes in divers places.

I have been thinking about the signs of the times since watching the horrible events unfold in Japan. I have put together the following map of events I remember reading about from this year so far. Feel free to click on the pins to see more information. Zoom in and out. Amazing, isn't it? We are only in March, and the map is quite covered. Please leave comments.

Imagery

2010-01-13T21:17:00.001-08:00

It is a warm summer day and just the right temperature; maybe it is 85 degrees. As I approach the deciduous forest with its many maple and oak trees, I see the little warn path that marks the entrance. There are so many different shades of green and brown. As I walk into the trees, I can hear the sound of trickling water. The pond is not too far now. I smell the rotting wood and algae from the water mixed with the smell of the rich soil and vibrant trees near me. I sneak up to the shore, making as little sound as possible. However, I can still hear the swish as I brush against the bushes. The birds above drown out any noise I make: chattering away as they dance from tree to tree. A light breeze blows through the trees, rustling the leaves and blowing my hair into my face. It tickles my nose. I observe the trees growing up out of the pond. This is really more of a swamp. Then I see what I was looking for: the little brown head of the beaver swimming toward her dam, nose up and focused. I watch her go about her chores for who knows how long, 10 minutes? Maybe 30? She swims so close to me. Then she dives down and does not reemerge. Time to feed her babies, I suppose. I start to walk across the dam. Careful not to fall into the water, I can feel the loose sticks beneath my feet and hear them crunch under my weight. Little, gray minnows cautiously swim near the sticks I cross, seeking the rich food from moss and algae. I make it to the other side of the pond with only a slight dampness in my shoe. On I go, deeper into the forest, to see what nature holds for me today. Maybe I will find that chattering squirrel.

New Life, New Challenge

2009-11-22T19:10:00.000-08:00

School was hard. I had no time for myself. I was constantly stressed out. My financial situation was making me sick. It was the best thing that could happen to me. School brought me out of depression. I had a purpose to work toward. There was reason to my suffering. My stress was justified. My time was contributing to my future.
I heard people say that when they graduate from college they think, "Now what?" I understand. What am I working toward? I met my goal. Sure, I still have some goals: I want to get my clinical license, I want to travel, I want to live independently. I also have a few goals that are unspecified currently. But none of these goals require the intense focus that school did. Or, rather, there is no major consequence to not putting in the intense focus.
So, now I face a new challenge: I have to build a new life. I need to continue to work toward goals. I need to continue to define myself. What do I do for fun? What are my interests and hobbies? How do I keep progressing in my career and field of study? Also, where do I fit in my family now? Where's the fine line between having my own life and being a daughter/sister?
Building this new life requires discipline-maybe that is my ultimate goal. I lack in self-discipline. I find that I need to use the same skills that I am teaching my clients. Time to take care of myself, to develop goals, and to balance things. Life goes on.

Wellness Wheel

2009-02-15T18:29:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking about the Wellness Wheel lately. Let me take a brief moment to describe what it is. If you do an online search for "wellness wheel" you find many different versions. Here is one whose categories I like:

Depending on which wheel you use, there are 6 to 8 sections of the wheel. I usually like the ones that have financial in there too. The different sections are Occupational, Intellectual, Social, Physical, Spiritual, and Emotional.

Occupational deals with the health of your career. Are you where you want to be or are you progressing to the point you want to be at? Do you like your job or is it torture to go every day? These are some of the things to consider.

Intellectual deals with our need to use our minds. Are we being stimulated? Are we learning? Are we discovering new things? Are we using our mental capacity in other areas of our lives?

Social is another aspect of life that is important. We have all heard of, "No man is an island." We cannot have healthy lives without human relationships. Are we connecting to people? Do we have social supports in our lives? Are we taking time to connect with those we love? Are we taking time to meet new people?

Physical has to do with our health. Where are we at physically? Are we healthy and fit? Are we giving our bodies the nutrition it needs? Are we getting enough sleep?

Spiritual is very important. Some describe this section as values and ethics. Others use the idea of finding meaning in one's life. Being religious, I see this as our connection to God. How is our relationship to God? Are we talking to him daily? Are we doing what He requires of us? Are nourishing our spirits with His word?

Emotional is self explanatory. How are our emotions? Are we depressed, content, happy? Are our emotions regulated or are they all over the place? Are we expressing our emotions or are we bottling them up?

This is a useful way to look at one's life. In order to be truly "healthy" one must be healthy in all areas of one's life. Think of this as an actual wheel. It needs to be nice and round with all areas inflated. When one area is not healthy, it affects all areas of the wheel. It limits our ability to go anywhere. You can look online for ways to score yourself to see how your particular wheel looks.

I have been thinking a lot about the wheel lately because mine is not doing too well. Particularly, the emotional section has been weak. I have been more depressed than usual. I also have been very weak in my resolve to accomplish the tasks that are required of me.

This has affected the physical section of the wheel. Depression goes along with physical symptoms. I have been very fatigued, I have had multiple headaches, my stomach has been bothering me, etc.

These two weak areas have affected the occupational section. I am behind in school. I have missed work and am, therefore, behind in my hours. This in turn further weakens the physical section because now I have to miss sleep in order to catch up.

The spiritual aspect is affected because of the fatigue and depression. I miss church or my heart is not into it. I feel guilty because I am not living up to my own standards.

Intellectually I find myself not wanting to use my mind. I don't have the energy to learn more or to push myself. All I want to do is mind numbing things.

Finally, all of this affects the social aspects. I find myself ignoring phone calls from friends because I do not feel like talking. I also find myself relying on my friends and family more than they know. I expect them to cheer me up without knowing that that is what I need. I expect them to show me if I am important to them and get hurt when they don't. All of this without them knowing. I expect them to read my mind. This I do because I am seeking something from them that I am not getting in the other areas of life.

I hope that I have demonstrated the interrelatedness of the sections of the wheel. All areas need to be healthy in order for one to be holistically healthy. We need to focus on ALL of the areas. When one is weak, it affects the others. When we are not well rounded in health, we don't get very far. We are stressed and struggling. No matter what situation you are in, focus on each of these areas and find some way to strengthen them. If this were a discussion board, I would ask for your ideas on ways to strengthen each section. But ask yourselves that. Really do a self assessment on each of these areas and try to get your wheel healthy and round.

The image of the wellness wheel came from:
http://www.thefitnessguru.net/thefitnessguru/Home.htm

In Memoriam

2009-02-01T17:53:00.000-08:00

I don’t remember why we stopped at the Human Society that day. There were many people glancing into the cages, dogs looking up excitedly. One popular cage had 4 or 5 puppies looking up at the all the humans, their tails wagging. They looked up at me too, wanting to play. “Mom wants a big dog,” I said. These puppies would grow to be bigger than the dog I had at home. Though my conscience was telling me not to buy a dog, the puppies’ eyes were telling me yes. Pushing all thought aside, I purchased the only female left.
As my brother drove us home, I held the little pup in my lap. She lay there upside down, with her white paws bent, staring up at me. I stared back down at the puppy that would grow to be our loyal companion.
Mom wasn’t too happy when I returned with a puppy. Our talk about getting another dog was just that, talk. Naomi and Aurora, our dog and cat, were also not too happy with my new gift to them.
We named her Poppy (pronounced Puppy) because no other name fit. Little did we know at that time that we chose the name that would fit the best. She was a fur full of energy.
In reality, she caused us a lot of difficulty. As soon as she got big enough, she challenged Naomi for “top dog” standing. Poor Naomi’s life became very difficult. We were constantly breaking up fights. Aurora always had to be on guard as the only cat in a house with two dogs.
Poppy got into big trouble with the humans too. She started jumping the fence and running from the yard to roam the neighborhood. Those with cattle and farm animals did not approve. So, we invested in a higher fence. Six feet should be high enough, right? Not for this pup. She was an expert at high jumping. So more money went to adding to the fence. Our yard came to look like secret military fort. She quickly learned to climb the fence (yes, that’s right, climb) and jump over.
One day, after escaping our yard, we went looking for her without success. That night, she showed up at our front door. I immediately knew something was wrong when she hobbled into the house. She had been hit by…what? Was it a car she had been chasing or a horse? We called the vet emergency. Late that night the vet saw her. He stated that it appeared that nothing was broken and sent her home. He was wrong. Her tail lay between her legs and it fused that way. With this causing her problems, she was taken to a different vet. We were informed that her tail and pelvic bone had been broken. The tail could not be fixed and would have to be removed. She has ever since been a tailless dog with a slight indentation in her lower back.
She settled down a little bit after that. In 2001, Naomi died, followed a few months later by Aurora. Poppy became the only pet in the house. She was the only “baby.” She matured and her love and companionship to us grew. And she became my “cutie patutie puppy friend.”
Pup was a talented dog. She could jump up to 6 feet to catch a Frisbee and she caught it almost every time. What’s more, she even brought it back to us…as many of our former animals had not.
One of her quirks was her obsession with rocks. She somehow found every large rock in our yard. She would push the rock along the ground, then throw it up in the air and catch it on her nose. Some of these rocks were huge. And she barked incessantly at the rocks. We tried to get rid of all large rocks but she always found more. During one visit to the vet, he guessed, “She must play with rocks.” “How do you know?” we wondered. “All her teeth are broken,” was the reply.
As she got older she did not jump as much and the rocks did not fly as high. But she still had a lot of energy. She still loved to play soccer with us. The US national soccer team should have hired her as their goalie. My brother and I would try to get the ball past her. She was fast and would block the ball half the time. Sometimes she would roll it back to us. We played soccer with her for a while with her running the entire time. When done, she would limp back into the house and sleep the rest of the day. Sometimes I wondered if we would give her a heart attack with all that running.
Other times she would sleep all day almost. “She’s getting old,” we would say. Then my nieces would come over and all her old energy would surface. She would run and play all day then pass out at night. She usually slept the entire day after the kids left. “Pup, you’re not a young dog anymore.” But she never accepted that.
She was always the puppy. In our home was a basket filled with her toys. By the end of the day it would be empty and her toys spread out all over the floor. She wanted to play when I came home from work every day. She wanted to play when she came in from the cold outside. She wanted to play when the kids came over. She wanted to play before I went to bed. She always wanted to play. Even in her last week of life, with almost no energy left, she wanted to play.
She loved being scratched. She would push her head up against our legs so that we could scratch and pet her. The harder we scratched, the harder she pushed her head on our legs. Sometimes I would walk a little bit away to signal I was done. But she would just come right up and ask for more. She wanted loves.
She loved to be adored. If I gave attention when she was lying down, she would turn upside down and put her paws in the air. “Oh, such a cute puppy!” “Oh, how beautiful!” We would say. She adored the praise. Then I would rub her belly and she would bend her paws, just like the day I brought her home.
Poppy followed us around. If we were in the kitchen, she was in the kitchen. If we went to the living room, she would go to the living room. Whenever I went to do laundry, she would come with me and wait for me. She was always near one of us.
Her health declined this past month and we knew the end was near. She was 13 years old, very old for her breed. I hoped to see her again one more time but that was not to be. Yesterday the call came. She was put down after it was discovered that she had lung cancer that was slowly suffocating her. Today she was buried in our yard with her favorite toys from her basket.
I was not there to comfort her when she got sick. I was not there for her death. And I was not there for the burial today. But, she, the loyal companion, was here with me. She will always be in my memory. And she is now with all the other loving companions I have had the privilege of knowing. She is there with my dear Naomi, Aurora, ChiChi, Mimi, and all the others. And now, along with the others, she can be the loving companion to my father. He can now be the one to love and play with her.

Good-bye my dear Poppy friend. Thank you for your life.

While you could not speak the words,
I could hear the whispers of your voice.
Telling me it was time to go,
to celebrate your life and rejoice.

You decided it was time to go and
find your resting ground.
You lay down your tired head and
went without a sound.

In my heart I know you loved me,
as much as I loved you.
I pray you've found the peace,
that's helped to see me through.

I thank you for all the joy in my life and
the smiles you've brought to me.
May God guide you on your journey and
may your spirit always run free.

--Author UnknownSunlight streams through window pane

unto a spot on the floor....
then I remember,
it's where you used to lie,
but now you are no more.
Our feet walk down a hall of carpet,
and muted echoes sound....
then I remember,
It's where your paws would joyously abound.
A voice is heard along the road,
and up beyond the hill,
then I remember it can't be yours....
your golden voice is still.
But I'll take that vacant spot of floor
and empty muted hall
and lay them with the absent voice
and unused dish along the wall.
I'll wrap these treasured memorials
in a blanket of my love
and keep them for my best friend
until we meet above.

--Author Unknown

MLK Day

2009-01-19T21:58:00.000-08:00

This morning I accompanied clients to the Martin Luther King Day celebration. It was held at a performing arts center here in town. Everyone crowded into the lobby of the center. They sat on the stairs, stood in the center; children lined the balcony. As we entered we were warmly greeted. A choir was singing adding to a spirit of celebration in the room.

There were many speakers and guests at this celebration. A young lady sang the national anthem. She had an amazing voice. I watched the crowd as she sang. Many held their hands over their hearts as they listened. Many did not. I noticed that some of the young clients stood there and watched as if watching a normal performance. The subject of patriotism and respect for one's country is a sensitive one for me. It makes me sad to think that the new generation is not being taught respect and pride for one's nation. They were not disrespectful but they did not stand proud.

Dave was my favorite speaker. He is a Native American from the Spokane tribe. He stated that since both his parents are full-blood Native American, "Dave" must be an "Indian" name. Bet you didn't know that. :-) He told a story of his grandmother who taught him to know who you are and be proud of it. He spoke of the natural, positive energy running through each one of us. He demonstrated with an activity where we could feel the energy in our hands. He then asked the audience to hold hands while he sang a traditional Native American song. Afterwards, he asked us to lightly squeeze the hand we were holding. "See," he said, "our energies are all connected." How much good can we all do if we put our energy together for something positive?

A reverend was invited to give the Martin Luther King speech. He did a wonderful job. I got goosebumps. No wonder MLK was able to move so many people if he spoke like that.

After the celebration, we all marched down the streets of the city for several blocks. Many were carrying banners and signs. Everyone appeared happy. It is amazing how much power there is in a group of people marching in the streets for a cause that's important to them. I have never felt the need to protest or demonstrate for anything yet. But as I marched down the street with strangers in this town, I was glad to be a part of it. I was proud of how far our country has come. I was proud of Martin Luther King and those of that generation who fought for their rights and dignity.

Will the new generations know the sacrifices that have been made for them to have the way of life that they have? Will they know how to make those sacrifices to improve generations to come? Will the new generation care enough to get involved and to educate themselves for the good of this country and it's people? I hope so, for they hold a lot of potential for good.

Home

2008-12-18T23:00:00.000-08:00

Home. That always has been an abstract concept for me. I never lived in a place that I thought of as a permanent home. I always knew that where ever I lived, it was a temporary shelter; I would live somewhere else in the future. Therefore, I came to define "home" mainly as where my family was.

I am home now. It is nice to be here with my mother. We sit at the table and talk or just do our own thing, together. We've been shopping together, which is traditional for Mom and I. It has also been nice being in the same house as my brother. I still hardly see him but every now and again I get a glimpse. The best times are when he stops and talks for a few minutes. I wonder if he knows how much we treasure those times.

I went to my other brother's house. His kids are so cute. My niece and nephew wanted to play with me. It was so awesome just sitting there, quietly playing with them. They are great kids. I do love them very much and have missed their company. Tomorrow I get to see the rest of my family.

I can't forget my dog. What a beautiful dog she is. She has been following me around and wanting me to pet her or play with her. I've spent so much time petting her and kissing her. She's my cutie patutie. I miss having animals around.

As for the town: I do love driving around knowing the best routes to get to where I'm going. I like not having to worry about one-way streets. I've missed having to watch out for horses. Today we had to wait while a herd of cows crossed the street. I love the country. It's quiet, friendly, and peaceful. Cheney, WA is my home for now but Idaho Falls is familiar and has my family. I've missed it.

How I Feel Sometimes

2008-12-10T22:08:00.000-08:00

I Can't Grow from The Garden by Michael McLean, Bryce Neubert, and Merrill Jenson:

Dark earth all around.

Trapped here underground.

All I do is wait.

And I hate

How the world keeps turning so slow

And I can't grow.

My friends have all gone

Up there with the sun.

But I've been here so long.

What went wrong?

Are there reasons I should know

Why I can't grow?

Should I stop saying

It's not fair?

Am I less of a failure down here than up there?

Is there a reason

I missed my season?

I don't know

Will I ever grow?

Why am I the one

The only one

Who the sun never will know

Because I can't grow?

What would it be like

To be grown?

Would I wish for these days in this darkness alone?

Is there a reason

I missed my season?

I don't know

Will I ever grow?

Good Life

2008-12-08T17:50:00.000-08:00

My life has been hard for me. I've suffered from depression and low self-esteem. After the shock of my father's death, the depression drastically deepened. I wanted to die. I hated life and hated myself. Self-esteem was almost non-existent and I told myself all kinds of horrible stuff. I basically tortured myself for many years. It was a difficult place to come back from. And sometimes it is still difficult. For me, it has been a hard life.

But I work with teenagers who would wish for my life. I can't believe the lives they have lived in their short time. Many were introduced to drugs by their parents. Many come from abusive situations. Some have no one who wants them. My clients have lived many lives in their one life.

One girl shared some of her life story with me. I can't tell you her situation but it is shocking. The counselor said, "You've gone through a lot." The girl replied, "Yes, but I've done it all to myself." That resonated with me. I could say the same for my life. But I could never know what it has been like for her.

On the drive home I saw a kid walking down the street. He seemed to be maybe 15. He looked away from people, appearing not to want to meet anyone's eyes. He was thin and had dark circles under his eyes. He could very well have been a runaway involved with drugs. How is it to live on the streets? Will that kid be my client someday?

I was so thankful, as I watched him, that I never had to live on the streets. I am thankful that I had a good family situation. It wasn't perfect but it was loving and supportive. My family has never been rich but we always had a warm house to live in. I suffered from terrible emotional problems but I never had to turn to illegal drugs or a risky lifestyle to deal with them. There were other places for me to turn.

I truly believe that we all have different strengths and weaknesses. What is hard for me may be easy for others and visa versa. Someone else living my life may find it very difficult. We should not compare ourselves to others. But I can't help see other people's lives and admire their strength for being able to continue to live and survive. It seems almost impossible. I guess that is one benefit to serving others. When focused on other people's problems, ours seem so small.

Busy Sunday

2008-12-07T21:56:00.000-08:00

I love Sundays. They are very peaceful and give me time to reflect on my life. It is a time to connect with those I love and care about. It is a day to serve. Today was all of those things but very busy.

I started the day with going to a friend's church. It was awesome! I love to learn about new cultures, and religion is a culture. It was very different than the LDS church, that's for sure. It was busy and loud. At first I felt like I was going to a rock concert. But the spiritual, religious part of it started right away. Well, I'm not going to give you a play by play. As I was saying, there were many things that were different from my church and religion.

However, what surprised me the most were the similarities. Almost everything the speakers (pastors) said were the same as I believe; maybe not word by word but the idea was right on. While very different than what you'd find at my church, music was still a way to worship as it is for us. The idea of fellowship and service was another similarity. Most importantly, the people were, it appeared, good people who worshipped God and tried to give their life over to Him.

I was glad that I went and I really enjoyed it. However, I was excited to be able to go to my church after. It was so nice to feel the Spirit in the various meetings and the peace and clarity it brings. It's almost like walking through the desert and finally being able to have that drink of water. This week was definitely a long desert. I bore my testimony in Sacrament meeting and was actually a little extra nervous in doing so.

After church I wrote to my brother, watched a devotional, attended a quick meeting, saw a display of nativity scenes, and ate dinner with a friend.

It's been a busy day with little time to reflect. But it has been a good day. I feel uplifted and edified. My testimony is stronger. And I feel more connected to friends. It's good to have Sundays like these once in a while, even when they are busy.

A quick note: Leave a comment and let me know what you think about the music playing while you read.

Jon McLaughlin Concert

2008-11-15T00:04:00.000-08:00

I went to see Jon McLaughlin in concert tonight. So much fun! I actually did not think that I would like it that much. But he's a good performer and very talented. Cute too. Afterwards, he came out and signed autographs. He signed my CD. After talking to him, I noticed I was blushing. Silly me. I hope he didn't notice. :-) My camera on my phone isn't the best so some of the pictures are blurry. Sorry.

Going to a concert gives me an opportunity to "dress up" (still just jeans and a shirt). And I tried out the smokey eyes look. Not too bad. Didn't last, though. I need to work on that.

I really needed to do something like this. It is a way to lose myself and just have fun. I can dance (not well), jump, scream, and just be as silly as I want. Or I just close my eyes and let the music wash over me and go through me. I LOVE concerts. I need to do this more often! Worst thing about concerts: they end.

Discovering Who I Am

2008-11-09T21:29:00.000-08:00

I've been given a few different opportunities to discover more about who I am. Opportunities to question myself to reaffirm that I really believe what I believe. I have had opportunities to evaluate where I am in my life and where I want to go. I have discovered some strengths and have used talents that I haven't used in a long time. Events lately have also allowed me to see some of my weaknesses and how weak they actually are. It has been an interesting week, for sure.

All this is called growing up and progressing. These are not comfortable times but they are exciting times. What else will I learn? What more will I become? What is the Lord making of me? Whose life will I affect and help?

It was scary getting to this place and it is still scary getting through it. But with the Lord, all things are possible and with faith things will turn out the way He plans.

Sunday

2008-11-02T21:26:00.001-08:00

I have been stressed out lately. I noticed that my mind races with worries and feelings of inadequacy during these times. It can be really draining.
Finally the Sabbath comes and I have the opportunity to lay my problems down. I prayed for peace today and received it during church. My mind was fairly quiet and I was able to listen to the lessons. For once, I did not have worries.
Lately I have been very grateful for my relationship with God and for the ability to pray. I don't think that I could survive this life without it. My mind races and worries so much. If I did not have Heavenly Father to give my concerns to, I would go crazy. He is constantly helping me and reassuring me. He is not going to make my life easier, I don't think, but He is going to support and help me through it.
I had a friend today ask me if I believed in prayer. I told her that if there is one thing I wanted her to know it is that God hears and answers prayers. I know that to be true and I am very grateful for it.

Testing Again

2008-11-02T20:50:00.001-08:00

Testing attempt number 2. This is supposed to post to facebook as well.

Just starting

2008-11-02T20:40:00.000-08:00

OK. I'm trying this blog thing again. This entry I'm not really saying much because it's a test entry. But I hope to write a full entry later today. Keep tuned.